Friday, August 22, 2008

I Secretly Want To Be A Club Adult

Doesn't that picture (left) look sweet? I wish I was there right now, tapping my foot and bobbling my head up and down to the spinsations of this DJ... but, instead I'm just sitting on my deck, staring at a squirrel in the backyard. There's too much sunlight back here! I wish it was dark out, or, even better I wish it was past midnight and I was at this club. Bet that DJ is sick... and I don't mean he has flu-like symptoms. I mean, like, he's a really good DJ that plays really good music. Get it?

I secretly want to be a club adult. It's kind of like being a club kid, except older and instead of sucking on ring pops I would snort cocaine or drink hard liquor, or both... because that's what club adults do.

I want to come home at 5 a.m. with white powder all over my nose, and when my wife asks me where I was at I'll ignore her and just walk to the liquor cabinet to get a Night/Day Cap. And when my son tries to wake me up in the morning I won't even hear him because I'll be totally blacked out... I wish I were blacked out right now. Then I wouldn't have this sun in my eyes... I wish I were a club adult.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Sixth Grade Journal: Mr. Guido Talks. We Listen.

Do you remember your elementary school principal? I remember mine. His last name was Guido. I don't know what his first name was, so I just called him "Mister Guido." Fortunately I didn't have to call his name too often, because I stayed out of trouble for the most part, but when he called your name it would send a chill down the back of your neck. Because you knew when you turned your head your eyes would meet his scary eyes.

Yep. Mr. Guido had "crazy eyes," kind of like that runaway bride from a few years ago. So when his eyes talked to you, you listened. When he told you to stop playing baseball, you stopped... out of fear that he might murder you if you didn't.

In the morning I did my work then we went out and played baseball and my team lost. At lunch time we played baseball but Mr. Guido told us we couldn't play because he couldn't supervise us. After school we played the girls in softball and we won 14 to 5. We let them have 5 runs so they'd keep playin. Then I went over Dannys and we played around and did Reading. When I got home I ate Big Boys I had a salad and fish. Then I went home did Social Studies and went to sleep.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

April Fool's Day at the Office: Ten Sure-Fire Zingers That'll Leave 'Em in Tears

Hey there office pranksters. Put away your whoopee cushions, hand buzzers and vibrating fake poops because those everyday favorites ain't gonna cut it on a day like this. Today is a day where you take it up a notch, step up to the next level, pump up the jam -- it's April Fool's Day you fool! So, here are 10 sure-fire zingers that'll leave the secretary in tears, the boss pulling his hair out (what little hair he has left) and the rest of your coworkers too afraid to even take a sip from the water cooler.

10. Drop a fresh tilapia filet and a bag of popcorn in the microwave for 12 minutes and 39 seconds.

9. Unbutton the top three buttons of your shirt or blouse, rub your hands violently through your hair and put some flour under your nose before you walk out of the men's/women's bathroom. You'll be known as the office cokehead in no time.

8. Find the ugliest person on your floor and just walk right into their cube and tell them you want to make love to them. Then yell out, "April Fool's!" (That's one of my favorites)

7. Put a pair of headphones on, but leave them unplugged from your computer and pretend like you don't notice that the Celine Dion track you have cranked up in ITunes can be heard by everyone on your floor.

6. Go to work wearing nothing but a neck tie and repeatedly insist to the HR rep -- who's escorting you out -- that it's the finest suit of clothes from the most beautiful cloth.

5. Draw a vagina on a wall somewhere in the office and the first person you hear talk about it wins a chocolate bar or some other prize.

4. Call in dead. (It's like calling in sick, except this time you're dead. Hilarious!)

3. Start a gasoline fire outside the office building, then go inside and pull the fire alarm. That way, when everyone exits the building, they'll walk right into the flames. "April Fool's!"

2. Pretend fall asleep in a meeting and start talking dirty like you're having a sexual dream involving one of your coworkers.

1. Put a penis picture in your PowerPoint with a thought bubble (because penises have thoughts, too) that says, "April Fool's."

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Sixth Grade Journal: Super Size Me 1986-Style

Before there was Morgan Spurlock and "Super Size Me," there was my Sixth Grade diet: thirty-one days of pizza, KFC, candy bars and Tuna Helper. Here's a day-by-day breakdown of what I ate in March 1986, according to my Sixth Grade Journal:

March 1 - Pizza, pop, chocolate cream pie
March 2 - hot dogs, french fries, roast beef and mashed potatoes
March 3 - chicken, rice and corn
March 4 - spaghetti and milk
March 5 - spaghetti and sandwich
March 6 - steak, mashed potatoes and green beans
March 7 - McDonald's
March 8 - Chi-Chi's burrito
March 9 - Turkey TV dinner
March 10 - Chicken soup and milk
March 11 - Kentucky Fried Chicken
March 12 - Little Caesar's pizza
March 13 - Sloppy Joes and Pepsi
March 14 - Steak and baked potato
March 15 - Kielbasa
March 16 - T.G.I. Friday's for lunch; Hardee's 1/4-pound burger, french fries and Coke for dinner
March 17 - Kentucky Fried Chicken
March 18 - Taco Bell
March 19 - Soup
March 20 - Steak and green beans
March 21 - Marshmallow bunnies
March 22 - Cake and ice cream
March 23 - McDonald's cheeseburger, french fries and a Coke
March 24 - Spaghetti and milk
March 25 - Hot dogs, beans and french fries
March 26 - pizza
March 27 - Candy and Kentucky Fried Chicken
March 28 - Salad and fish from Big Boy
March 29 - Candy bar
March 30 - Burger King
March 31 - Tuna Helper and cupcakes

Monday, March 24, 2008

What's Hot?: Kwame Kilpatrick and Anarchic Hand Syndrome

I'm proud to say that Detroit holds four out of the five top spots on Google Trends at this hour (2:25 p.m. EST), all thanks to our mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, who will become the first Detroit mayor to be charged with a crime while in office.

The other spot goes to the search term, "anarchic hand syndrome," which is also known as the Dr. Strangelove syndrome. It's an unusual neurological disorder, a form of apraxia in which one of the sufferer's hands seems to take on a mind of its own...

Wait a second? Maybe that's not unrelated to our mayor. Maybe he'll be using that as a defense in his upcoming trial. Maybe Kwame will argue that he suffers from the Strangelove syndrome, and that he had no control over the hand that sent those sexy text messages to his former chief of staff, Christine Beatty.

Kwame: "Your honor. This hand has a mind of its own, and when it gets a hold of my BlackBerry, there's no telling what it will do."

Friday, March 21, 2008

Top-Ten Milestones of a 402-Month-Old Baby Boy

There are certain milestones that come along with being a 402-month-old baby boy. And I'm happy depressed to say that this baby boy is pretty much on track:

10. No longer smiles at the sound of his wife's voice
9. Grasps objects, especially those filled with alcohol
8. Rolls from back to stomach and stomach to back and never really gets any sleep
7. Stops responding to own name, until the fourth or fifth try
6. Vocabulary reduced to one-word sentences: "Huh?" "Wha?" "Idunno."
5. Drinks from a mug
4. Begins make believe play about what his life should have been
3. Learning how to ride a motorcycle
2. No longer dresses himself
1. Jumps, hops and skips and spends the next three days in bed recovering from neck, back and leg soreness