Top-Ten Milestones of a 402-Month-Old Baby Boy

There are certain milestones that come along with being a 402-month-old baby boy. And I'm happy depressed to say that this baby boy is pretty much on track:

10. No longer smiles at the sound of his wife's voice
9. Grasps objects, especially those filled with alcohol
8. Rolls from back to stomach and stomach to back and never really gets any sleep
7. Stops responding to own name, until the fourth or fifth try
6. Vocabulary reduced to one-word sentences: "Huh?" "Wha?" "Idunno."
5. Drinks from a mug
4. Begins make believe play about what his life should have been
3. Learning how to ride a motorcycle
2. No longer dresses himself
1. Jumps, hops and skips and spends the next three days in bed recovering from neck, back and leg soreness