April Fool's Day at the Office: Ten Sure-Fire Zingers That'll Leave 'Em in Tears

Hey there office pranksters. Put away your whoopee cushions, hand buzzers and vibrating fake poops because those everyday favorites ain't gonna cut it on a day like this. Today is a day where you take it up a notch, step up to the next level, pump up the jam -- it's April Fool's Day you fool! So, here are 10 sure-fire zingers that'll leave the secretary in tears, the boss pulling his hair out (what little hair he has left) and the rest of your coworkers too afraid to even take a sip from the water cooler.

10. Drop a fresh tilapia filet and a bag of popcorn in the microwave for 12 minutes and 39 seconds.

9. Unbutton the top three buttons of your shirt or blouse, rub your hands violently through your hair and put some flour under your nose before you walk out of the men's/women's bathroom. You'll be known as the office cokehead in no time.

8. Find the ugliest person on your floor and just walk right into their cube and tell them you want to make love to them. Then yell out, "April Fool's!" (That's one of my favorites)

7. Put a pair of headphones on, but leave them unplugged from your computer and pretend like you don't notice that the Celine Dion track you have cranked up in ITunes can be heard by everyone on your floor.

6. Go to work wearing nothing but a neck tie and repeatedly insist to the HR rep -- who's escorting you out -- that it's the finest suit of clothes from the most beautiful cloth.

5. Draw a vagina on a wall somewhere in the office and the first person you hear talk about it wins a chocolate bar or some other prize.

4. Call in dead. (It's like calling in sick, except this time you're dead. Hilarious!)

3. Start a gasoline fire outside the office building, then go inside and pull the fire alarm. That way, when everyone exits the building, they'll walk right into the flames. "April Fool's!"

2. Pretend fall asleep in a meeting and start talking dirty like you're having a sexual dream involving one of your coworkers.

1. Put a penis picture in your PowerPoint with a thought bubble (because penises have thoughts, too) that says, "April Fool's."

Top-Ten Milestones of a 402-Month-Old Baby Boy

There are certain milestones that come along with being a 402-month-old baby boy. And I'm happy depressed to say that this baby boy is pretty much on track:

10. No longer smiles at the sound of his wife's voice
9. Grasps objects, especially those filled with alcohol
8. Rolls from back to stomach and stomach to back and never really gets any sleep
7. Stops responding to own name, until the fourth or fifth try
6. Vocabulary reduced to one-word sentences: "Huh?" "Wha?" "Idunno."
5. Drinks from a mug
4. Begins make believe play about what his life should have been
3. Learning how to ride a motorcycle
2. No longer dresses himself
1. Jumps, hops and skips and spends the next three days in bed recovering from neck, back and leg soreness

F#%k the Label: Kenny G Decides To Toot His Own Horn

First Radiohead. Now Kenny G. Rebels against the label...

Kenny G does it his own way - CNN.com

The G-man saw no point in following other older artists like Rod Stewart and Barry Manilow down the well-worn path of playing cover tunes. So he arranged an amicable divorce from Arista Records in order to return to making original music.

It's Always Shitty In St. Louis

Actually, that headline is misleading. It's not really that shitty here. I'm just bitter about everyone ripping on Detroit, so I thought I'd take it out on St. Louis. Hope I didn't offend too many of my readers in Missouri. I think they account for about 1 percent of the readership of Burkett Humor, which is just one person -- a guy named Henry. Sorry Henry... if you're available for a drink this weekend, I'm staying at the Courtyard Marriott. Call me. My treat.

Anyway, this is my first time visiting St. Louis and if you've never been here before SPOILER ALERT!!!! they have an arch. It is kind of spectacular when you get up close to it and also very inspirational. Just standing next to it for a couple of minutes I came up with what I think are three very hilarious arch jokes. You see, I'm thinking about touring Missouri comedy clubs to do a standup act that's all about the arch. All arch jokes, all the time. I'll even include it in my stage name, something like "Archie Arch the Arch Humorist" or "Archie the jokester" or "A guy named Adam who appreciates the arch so much so that he's devoted a whole act to it."

Here's some of the material I've been working on:

"So if I were to get in a fight with the Gateway Arch, would that make it my arch-nemesis?"

"I was down by the Gateway Arch today, and I just couldn't hold it any longer, so I urinated on the base of it. I think it's what they call a golden arch. Anyone hungry for some McDonald's?"

"If there were a war being fought along the riverfront in St. Louis, would those little shelters soldiers build to protect themselves be referred to as 'arch-ie bunkers?'

If you have any arch jokes you've been dying to tell, please share them in the comments area below. I'm really working on collecting as much material as possible for my Missouri road show. I think it's going to be huge. Can't wait!